LEARNING AND HEALING THROUGH THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP.

As women, our relationships with our mothers will be among the most important of our lifetimes. Good or bad, getting to know your mother, and who she is as a woman, will offer tremendous insight into who you are. The relationship starts in the womb and never ends. My love for my children, which I learned through observing my mother’s love for me, will continue for generations to come.  

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with my mom. As a therapist and an instructor, I learned early on the importance of dissecting, understanding, and feeling the emotions that come from looking at such significant relationships. My mother and I have been through life together and I have learned much along the way. For the most part, there are general phases in the evolution of the mother-daughter relationship. Each is complicated, holding much truth to learn and grow from.

Phase one- Mom the superhero. She can do all, be all, and is seemingly perfect while doing so. No matter what your relationship is like, good or bad, there have been times when she was and is a superhero. My mother left a very privileged life in India, casting off her role as a stay at home mom with domestic help, to working full time by day and attending paralegal school by night. She cooked every evening and cleaned each weekend, trying to manage all of our (my two siblings, myself, and my father) temperaments and life events. She gave us the most comfortable life she could so we wouldn’t ever feel sad about leaving our home and lifestyle in India. It wasn’t until long after this phase that I finally realized the magnitude of the sacrifices she made for our family.

Individuation is imperative for young women. It usually begins during the angst of our teenage years, continuing until we isolate our own identities, outside of our mothers. It’s often turbulent and rife with resentment. We aren’t eager to own our similarities during this phase.

Simultaneous to individuation, we experience the inevitable moment of realization that our moms are flawed. I recall feeling crushed the first time I comprehended that my mom was human and thus imperfect. I was older, yet still unable to process the feelings that came with the harshness of that reality. I then did what I think a lot of us are guilty of- laid blame. It’s easy to judge during this stage because it offers a sense of control. I was trying to find a balance between knowing that my mom is amazing and imperfect, at once. Eventually, I realized that we share many of the same issues. At some point during this stage, we may realize that our mothers are often right, especially when it comes to judging other people’s characters. We learn very quickly that she knows what she is talking about, yet we need to experience this in our own time and our own way so that we can have first-hand knowledge to pass down to the next generation. Who in turn will ignore all of our wisdom, too? This phase is confusing, to say the least, but the phase that follows, for some of us, brings a lot of clarity.

Most of us eventually have our own children. Talk about realizing very quickly how valuable Mom is! I remember the first night home from the hospital after having my son, sitting in a rocking chair, feeding him for the third time that evening. My thoughts were not on this tiny little miracle in front of me, or the lack of sleep, but instead with my mother, appreciating everything she had to go through with all of us. The years of not really getting it came together, the sacrifices she made were realized through my own. Finally, I understood why she had to be a superhero and why she was imperfect while trying.

There is a final phase, one that I am terrified to dwell on; the loss of my mother, my first love. I am still very blessed to have her here with me and hope that you are too. For those who have experienced that loss, all of my love to you. I can only imagine the devastation that comes with losing the one person (assuming you had a healthy relationship) you know will always put your well being first.

Whether your mom is with you or you meet elsewhere one day, it is never too late to learn more about her, and in doing so, yourself. No matter where your relationship is at this time, I encourage you to explore, dissect, understand, and feel all of the emotions that come from such a valuable dynamic.

Every mother has moments of breaking down or doubting herself, experiencing darkness and pulling through for her children. Her coping with vulnerabilities may not have been perfect, but she tried and still tries. You can learn so much about who you are through her. How do you cope with darkness? What are your vulnerabilities? How do you handle them? Do you consider vulnerability to be an imperfection? If you are truly honest with yourself you will find parallels, maybe even your reflection in the mirror of your own mother. Learning, accepting, and working through these parallels and reflections will offer empowerment and healing, making you a better version of yourself. Another catalyst for healing is forgiveness.

As flawed beings, our mothers will continue to make mistakes. Now, as a mother myself, the ease of parenting mistakes is ever so real. I am imperfect, and I hope my children grant me the forgiveness, grace, and understanding that I am learning to give my own mother. I encourage you to work toward forgiveness for your mother. How can we forgive ourselves if we cannot forgive those whom we are a part of? Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean forgetting, just letting go of the pain that may haunt your mind, body, and soul; no matter how small or how big the pain feels, releasing it offers healing. When we heal ourselves, we invariably heal future generations.

Those feelings of being unappreciated and overlooked are known intimately by your mother. I am guilty of doing this to my Mom even now. I try to take the time to thank her for all of the sacrifices she has made- past, present, and future. It’s easy to take for granted that she will always be there, forgetting to extend our constant love, appreciation, and kindness. There is another great lesson here for us as well- to be proud of everything we go through as mamas. We need to raise our heads high and say, “Yes! We did that, and that, and that, and that!” We often make ourselves invisible, putting our heads down and pushing through. We love our families, put forth so much effort, and would die for them. Even when we feel that we are doing everything wrong, we have to remind ourselves of that perseverance and unconditional love. So much is right. So, raise your glasses mamas and toast your mom and yourself, celebrating one another, the good, the bad, and everything in-between.

P.S. Mom, my love for you will transcend time, space, and everything else in-between. Thank you for teaching me, for being the best role model and superhero a girl could wish for

-Nayantara

CONQUERING THE FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL.

In order to reach a more diverse range of individuals as a therapist, facilitating healing- emotionally, physically, and spiritually, earlier this year I made the decision to work towards my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Certification. In one of the first blogs I wrote for Mindful+Mama, I discussed a few of my insecurities about this endeavor. After facing my reservations, I felt ecstatic about my future journey.

My husband, who has been extremely supportive of my venture, encouraged me to complete my training in India. Immediately, I explored all of my options and found what I believe to be the place I am destined to have this learning experience.

I try not to have expectations, good or bad, but find myself fantasizing about all of the amazing possibilities. Picture Eat, Pray, Love, morphed into my version- Eat, Pray, Yoga, minus the divorce and the love affair with pizza.  As I get closer to my impending departure, my fantasies are turning into nightmares, and I sense that familiar feeling creeping in- FEAR.

F-E-A-R, even spelling it out feels scary. I’m starting to imagine everything that could go wrong, all of my shortcomings, and all of the breakdowns I assume I’ll have as I miss my family. I have never been alone, never has there been a time when I’ve been without my people for more than a day. I can get over the feelings of anxiety about leading my first yoga class or failing a few times before I get it right, but I cannot seem to shake this FEAR of leaving my family.

It comforts me to know that we will all be in India. My husband and children will be with his family, eight hours from my training retreat. It will be an extensive three week course, from 6:30 am to 7:30 pm, six days per week. Communication will be limited and brief, and I won’t have the physical presence of love that my children and husband provide in times of need.

I have absolute trust in my husband, but I won’t be around to control, err, I mean take care of my children. I continue to imagine every possible disaster, things beyond my control, me not there to rescue them. I know it sounds heady and irrational, but it’s so real in the moment, and leaves me entertaining the idea of quitting altogether, not wanting to face my FEAR, dressing avoidance up in socially acceptable clothes.

I know I’m not the only mama that feels this way. So many women don’t want to leave their children, because of anxiety about a lack of control, FEAR of the what ifs. The truth that we all know to be, but have difficulty remembering in the moment, is that whatever is bound to happen will, whether we are present or not. Our mind tells us to use our rational thoughts, but our emotions sing a different, scarier tune. In times when FEAR feels like it is paralyzing me, I fall back on the following:

1. The saying F.E.A.R. can have two meanings- Face Everything and Run or Face Everything and Rise. I always want to choose the latter, not allowing FEAR to stop me from my potential, my destiny. I don’t want to look back and think of what could have been, because I am too caught up in the what ifs.

2. Your Intention- My intention is to grow, in turn helping others to become healthier, even though being away from my family is part of the deal. The more fulfilled you are, the more effective you are. Like my friend and Mindful+Mama co- blogger, Emily, stated in her post “Road Trip Part One,”                                

       “I promised not to waste the gift that my family was giving to me with this trip. My family invested in me, and I returned to them a more complete person, ready to resolve disputes, slice apples, hose off muddy feet, and be loved by my favorite people in the world.”

3. FEAR is a natural response- FEAR is biological and emotional. FEAR has helped us to survive as a species and is a normal human feeling. Lean into the discomfort, as Brené Brown says. If you try to push down your FEAR and not face it, inevitability it will control you. Grant yourself grace, allowing the sensation of FEAR and the discomfort that goes alongside it. I saw a quote the other day, and it said, “Sometimes the FEAR won’t go away, so you will have to do it afraid.”

4. Stop being a control freak- I think every mom can relate to this one. We tell our husbands to give the kids a bath and proceed to dole out a verbal step-by-step guide. Or, we complain that they don’t take the lead with the children enough, then badger them and kill future willingness to try anything-ever-again. Letting go of control, whether we are with them or without them, serves everyone well. We need to have faith that things will go well, knowing we cannot control every outcome, good or bad, for our families. The only things we truly have power over are our reactions to the occurrences in our lives.

I have faced my FEARS before and risen each time. I will let go and lean into my discomfort, into my destiny, journeying towards my life’s purpose.

-Nayantara

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER. Know yourself to love yourself.

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. My paternal grandfather, who lived a beautiful and full 100 years, passed away. I also attended my 20-year High School Reunion. Two completely different scenarios, each bringing an array of emotions, and leaving me reevaluating my past, present, and future.

I thought about the long life of my grandfather, the legacy he’d left behind. Grief is debilitating at times, but creates moments that push you to look at your life and contemplate how to make it more meaningful. Trite things, like the new shoes you want or your bad hair day no longer hold relevance.

My 20 year High School Reunion; fun! Before I attended, I went through my yearbook. Gazing at all the pictures and comments people wrote was comical, but got me reminiscing of my past; more specifically, the type of person I was. I wondered, if I could travel back in time and talk to 18 year old Nayantara, what would I tell her?

Toeing the line of adulthood, I was full of myself. I didn’t care what people thought of me, I had a smart-ass mouth, was egotistical, goofy, sincere, loyal, trustworthy, and compassionate about the things that mattered. Like a lot of teenagers and young adults, I was “finding myself.” Along the way of “finding myself,” I made a TON of “mistakes.” I hurt people and got hurt in the process. Events in my life rattled my core, yet I tried to brush them off like as though they didn’t put a dent in me. I became jaded, selfish, and lost. My life went this way for some time. It wasn’t until I walked into my advisor’s office that everything changed.

Dr. Arthur Wint, one of the most influential people in my life. I went to him to talk about my career path and left sobbing my heart out. He said these words to me five minutes into our conversation, “I see pain in your eyes.” My stomach dropped, I knew he saw right through my facade. On the outside, I was put together; on the inside, I was a hot mess. He encouraged me to seek counseling, along with pursuing my Higher Education in Marriage and Family Therapy. I wanted to be an FBI Profiler, and he saw right through that, too; stating I was "too nice” and that he envisioned me touching others with my “empathy and intuition.” This man is and was right about everything he stated; I trusted him, and I am so grateful that I did. His words led me to counseling. Through counseling, I finally “found myself.”

So, what would I tell 18-year-old me?

1. Have Awareness of Who You Are- sounds cliché, but think about it. Do you really know who you are? We stress every day about what we ate or when we’re going to find time to work out, but how often do you ask when you will learn more about yourself emotionally/spiritually? We tend to focus on our physical sensations, but ignore our emotional, spiritual, and mental health.

2. My students say I am a “mind reader,” and I say, “I wish.” I do know that there are patterns we lead, influenced by our pasts. One, which is very common, is settling for the love we BELIEVE we deserve. Yet, most people will say, at their core, that they don’t believe they deserve happiness; I was one of them, and I didn’t even know it. Lucky for me, I was 24 when I realized this, instead of 38. Yet, if I'd known this at 18, what a difference it would have made. Know yourself, truly know yourself. Seeking counseling is a wonderful way to start. Let go of the stigma you hold on to, look at it as a means of understanding yourself.

3. Forgive Yourself and Forgive Others- We are often our own worst critics. We tell others to forgive themselves because they “didn’t know any better,” and then beat ourselves up for making choices that are often subconscious decisions based on Ego. If you knew better, you wouldn't have made the decision in the first place. The fact that you are ashamed means that your soul feels it is wrong. It can take years to recognize your soul, to find that self-awareness. Others that have hurt you probably didn’t do it on purpose. They too were operating from their Egos; the subconscious survival mechanisms they’ve used all of their lives. Holding on to their misfortunes only ties you to their toxic behavior. Let go of the hurt and pain, embrace empathy and compassion for yourself and for them.

4. Be Vulnerable- We often negatively relate vulnerability to weakness. Vulnerability means showing your true self, flaws and all. We live our lives hoping people will see us one way, that they don’t notice our insecurities, our wounds, our hearts. I tell my students to ask their patients, “What’s on your heart today?” I then follow it up with, “I know it’s cheesy, but trust me, it works.” You may be scared to speak from your heart. You may not feel internally that you deserve others to listen to what is in your heart. I want you to know, the ones who truly love you want to, those that will always be there will listen. You are worth their time, and when you speak with your heart, you are expressing your soul’s desire. How amazing and powerful is that!

5. No Regrets, No Shame- Remember that movie The Butterfly Effect (small causes can have larger effects)? Every bad decision, painful circumstance, and toxic relationship made me who I am today. I am proud of the woman I've become. I know I am far from perfect, and I know how to look at that. I will no longer shame myself, beat myself up, or ruminate about something I cannot change. I am human, shame and doubt inevitably creep in. I am okay with that. My self-awareness has taught me to continually foster introspection and re evaluate myself.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

-Nayantara

THE FEARLESS YOGI.

During the course of my career as a therapist, I've found myself continually frustrated because I want more for my clients. I want them to experience a whole (mind, body, spirit) experience; achieving this is few and far between with traditional talk therapy. Talk therapy is an imperative part of the process, but it has inherent limitations. This is something I feel not only with my clients but in my own experiences. 

Yoga has been in my vocabulary for the duration of my life. My almost 100 year old grandfather practiced it every morning. My father taught me breathing techniques when I was a child. I've tried it sporadically over the years and knew a few colleagues who utilized it in their therapy practices, but I never did more than dip my foot in. I felt afraid for so many reasons. 

My age was one of them. I'm 38 and am a pretty well established therapist. I went through years of schooling and spent a lot of money to get to where I am today. I struggled with feeling too old and too invested to start something new. 

I'm not a yogi. In my mind I had to be a yogi to start yoga. Doesn't make sense, right? Well to my perfectionist brain it made perfect sense; you have to be the best at yoga to start yoga. 

I don't look like those girls on Instagram. You know which girls I'm talking about, the ones with the perfectly proportioned bodies doing those incredible poses (which you secretly attempt at home and then need your husband's assistance to dismantle yourself from). I never paid much attention to my body growing up, but now that I'm getting older and have given birth to two children, I'm more focused on the changes. I'm working on aging gracefully and fully accepting my flaws, but social media and the human tendency to compare makes it incredibly hard to do so. 

The most important part of my hesitation was that I wasn't clear on my intention. I've learned over the years that your intention always has to be clear or at the very least come from a pure place. When your ego has an intention you can guarantee it's going to steer you wrong. I wasn't sure if I was trying to prove something to myself, or if I truly believed in the power of yoga. I look back now and know that the origin of my intention wasn't ego based,  but the aforementioned fears were holding me back. 

It wasn't until I found my yoga tribe, this year, that I was able to find my fearlessness. I use the word fearlessness because that's what it really took for me to dive in. I saw so many young people around me not hesitating once about what they were pursuing, not using age as a limitation, not worrying about the way their bodies looked, not attempting to be the perfect Yogi. I wish someone would have given me the following suggestions when I first started my Yoga journey:

 1. Be fearless- don't let fear burn you... let it burn a fire in you. 

2. Be a racehorse- I was watching "The Defiant Ones" on HBO the other night and Jimmy Iovine said that racehorses are blind folded so they don't see what's happening around them, they just go. So just go!! Don't think about how you will look compared to your neighbor or what the person in front of you is doing. Just go! Live!

3. What's your end goal? -trick question! There is no end goal. Go for the experience and dwell in it,  breathe, and enjoy your Yoga journey, or whatever new endeavor your heart desires, every step of the way!

-Nayantara

HOW TO FIND THE MIRACLE IN THE MUNDANE.

"Stop acting so small, you are the universe in ecstatic motion." -Rumi

I love this quote. It rings true in my everyday (what seems to be mundane) life. I'm pretty normal (kinda). I wake up, make myself coffee, make the kids breakfasts, lunches, snacks, blend myself and my honey a healthy shake, and then take at least ten minutes to figure out what I FEEL like wearing. When you get older, it's not about what you want to wear, it's what you feel like wearing, depending on how your body is treating you that day. Pretty basic, boring stuff. And, on most days, I find it dull as well. Yet, there are times when I marvel at my life; days where being blessed with this beautiful existence brings me to tears. I tend, like most of us, to focus on the "mundane" more often than not.

I know that the small tasks, day in and day out, do matter. I have the Universe/God within me. I am living, breathing, and taking care of two precious souls. I am a wife, daughter, sister, healer, friend, educator, yogi and so much more. Yet, that vanishes from my psyche as I vacuum my bedroom, wash the dishes, make dinner, or do laundry.

I get overwhelmed, irritable, anxious. My brain can't keep up with my thoughts, and my heart can't keep up with my emotions. I always feel behind, then self pity sets in. I forget why I'm doing all of this in the first place and begin to keep a scorecard of tasks from the day; acting as if I am a victim of my own life.

My intention is to spend more energy marveling at the small things in life, to remind myself that the whole universe is within me, that people rely upon me, and that’s not a burden but an honor. How do I get there?

Be grateful- Usually, we wait for something tragic or amazing to happen before we find gratitude, before we take a step back and appreciate our gifts or what someone means to us. I want to start being grateful for having arms to clean my house, for even having a house to clean. When my children are whining and I feel like they aren't thankful for a meal I've prepared, I want to remind myself that they are healthy enough to whine and fortunate enough to have the choice of what to eat. In the midst of my exhaustion and irritation, I want to be able to take a deep breath and find the gratitude that I know exists within me. Don't get me wrong, I encourage being in your feelings, and I know I will never be Mother Theresa, but I can always strive to be better than I am today.

Be still- My mother has repeatedly told me, "you seem like you're always chasing something." She's right. When I was young I never took this comment seriously. Now, as I get older, I recognize that I am always chasing something. In my mind, I find myself searching for excitement, an escape from what seems to be the "mundane," yet if I am just still and focus on what is in front of me, I see miracles. Being still helps us to acknowledge what we already have. We can start with our bodies; we have skin, blood, veins, organs, bones, muscles, that's just the beginning. There are so many miracles happening within us. Let's start to marvel at that!

Be spiritual- Why are you here? What is your purpose? Who are you? Are we alone? Are we the aliens? I could go on and on. Spirituality can mean something different for many. For me it means to continually recognize and search for who I am, and why I am here. I still haven't figured out exactly what this whole Universe thing is about, but I do know that I am connected. When my heart beats, when I breathe, when my feet touch the earth, when I'm pregnant, when I hold my children, I am connected to something greater than myself. Sometimes, I wonder if we’re akin to an ant farm belonging to some genius kid alien; but hey, even if we are, those are some damn cool ants. We have a beautiful ant farm called Earth, and if that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. We weren't meant to understand our existence, only to learn from and enjoy it.

I want to leave you with my Yoga Instructor's words:

“It never ceases to amaze me the time we spend chasing the squirrels around our brains, playing out our dramas, dissecting our lives, complaining about traffic or slow internet, when we are sitting in the middle of a full blown Miracle that is happening right here, right now. We are on a planet that somehow knows to rotate on its axis, and follow a defined path as it hurdles through space. Our hearts beat, we can see, we have a love, laughter, language, living rooms, compassion, cars, fire, fingernails, flowers, music, medicine mountains, muffins. ALL IS A MIRACLE.

-Crystal Uyeno

I encourage you, as I encourage myself. Let's recognize our miracles and marvel at our lives!

-Nayantara