HOW TO FIND THE MIRACLE IN THE MUNDANE.

"Stop acting so small, you are the universe in ecstatic motion." -Rumi

I love this quote. It rings true in my everyday (what seems to be mundane) life. I'm pretty normal (kinda). I wake up, make myself coffee, make the kids breakfasts, lunches, snacks, blend myself and my honey a healthy shake, and then take at least ten minutes to figure out what I FEEL like wearing. When you get older, it's not about what you want to wear, it's what you feel like wearing, depending on how your body is treating you that day. Pretty basic, boring stuff. And, on most days, I find it dull as well. Yet, there are times when I marvel at my life; days where being blessed with this beautiful existence brings me to tears. I tend, like most of us, to focus on the "mundane" more often than not.

I know that the small tasks, day in and day out, do matter. I have the Universe/God within me. I am living, breathing, and taking care of two precious souls. I am a wife, daughter, sister, healer, friend, educator, yogi and so much more. Yet, that vanishes from my psyche as I vacuum my bedroom, wash the dishes, make dinner, or do laundry.

I get overwhelmed, irritable, anxious. My brain can't keep up with my thoughts, and my heart can't keep up with my emotions. I always feel behind, then self pity sets in. I forget why I'm doing all of this in the first place and begin to keep a scorecard of tasks from the day; acting as if I am a victim of my own life.

My intention is to spend more energy marveling at the small things in life, to remind myself that the whole universe is within me, that people rely upon me, and that’s not a burden but an honor. How do I get there?

Be grateful- Usually, we wait for something tragic or amazing to happen before we find gratitude, before we take a step back and appreciate our gifts or what someone means to us. I want to start being grateful for having arms to clean my house, for even having a house to clean. When my children are whining and I feel like they aren't thankful for a meal I've prepared, I want to remind myself that they are healthy enough to whine and fortunate enough to have the choice of what to eat. In the midst of my exhaustion and irritation, I want to be able to take a deep breath and find the gratitude that I know exists within me. Don't get me wrong, I encourage being in your feelings, and I know I will never be Mother Theresa, but I can always strive to be better than I am today.

Be still- My mother has repeatedly told me, "you seem like you're always chasing something." She's right. When I was young I never took this comment seriously. Now, as I get older, I recognize that I am always chasing something. In my mind, I find myself searching for excitement, an escape from what seems to be the "mundane," yet if I am just still and focus on what is in front of me, I see miracles. Being still helps us to acknowledge what we already have. We can start with our bodies; we have skin, blood, veins, organs, bones, muscles, that's just the beginning. There are so many miracles happening within us. Let's start to marvel at that!

Be spiritual- Why are you here? What is your purpose? Who are you? Are we alone? Are we the aliens? I could go on and on. Spirituality can mean something different for many. For me it means to continually recognize and search for who I am, and why I am here. I still haven't figured out exactly what this whole Universe thing is about, but I do know that I am connected. When my heart beats, when I breathe, when my feet touch the earth, when I'm pregnant, when I hold my children, I am connected to something greater than myself. Sometimes, I wonder if we’re akin to an ant farm belonging to some genius kid alien; but hey, even if we are, those are some damn cool ants. We have a beautiful ant farm called Earth, and if that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. We weren't meant to understand our existence, only to learn from and enjoy it.

I want to leave you with my Yoga Instructor's words:

“It never ceases to amaze me the time we spend chasing the squirrels around our brains, playing out our dramas, dissecting our lives, complaining about traffic or slow internet, when we are sitting in the middle of a full blown Miracle that is happening right here, right now. We are on a planet that somehow knows to rotate on its axis, and follow a defined path as it hurdles through space. Our hearts beat, we can see, we have a love, laughter, language, living rooms, compassion, cars, fire, fingernails, flowers, music, medicine mountains, muffins. ALL IS A MIRACLE.

-Crystal Uyeno

I encourage you, as I encourage myself. Let's recognize our miracles and marvel at our lives!

-Nayantara

"WHEN WOMEN SUPPORT EACH OTHER, INCREDIBLE THINGS HAPPEN."

A few days ago, I posted a quote that read, "When women support each other, incredible things happen." Author, unknown.

It generated a lot of likes, but it got me thinking, when it comes down to it, I wonder how many of us are practicing what we preach? We live in an era of alleged “girl power.” We’re all marching for it and buying the t-shirts, but where’s the beef, so to speak, of this sentiment? In day to day life, are we holding one another up? Are we celebrating one another's successes?

Aside from a very select group of self assured friends, I'm not feeling it. I don't even know if I'm doing it.

What I'm seeing, in my world, are a lot of women going it alone, afraid to share their inner demons, not wanting to be a burden, and therefore not having the energy to be supportive to others, except through a sporadic thumbs up to an Instagram or Facebook post. There’s an unprecedented independence amongst our generation. Are we afraid of being perceived as weak or inept? Do we just plain not know how to reach out?

A friend can act as a caliper by which to measure our own challenges. Someone in your tribe has suffered similar strife or been privy to others who have, and their outside, dispassionate perspective can often be the clearest. Looking to peers for judgment and guidance, or allowing help when I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air, has proven to be incredibly instrumental for me. I tend towards self-reliance, but in recent years, I’ve allowed the personal vulnerability of asking for help or opinions, or just someone to vent to. My life operates more smoothly because of it. My marriage is stronger, because I have people to help me gauge the fine line of my own bullshit.

When we’re lost in our own worlds, alone and grappling with life stressors, can we even feel joy for other women’s accomplishments? Does the mirror that holds up reflect back an uncomfortable inadequacy? When we see another woman tapping into her own personal power and purpose, how do we feel about ourselves? Get real for a minute. Realize that there are times when your own perceived deficits are keeping you from being truly supportive. Allow yourself to notice that exists within you. It's there for most of us. Don’t shame it away; it's normal, human. We relate other’s experiences back to our own, and if there is an emotion of lacking within us, it may be inhibitory to our ability to truly extol others. When I'm suffering a scarcity in the fulfillment department, seeing others thriving can sometimes create a twinge of jealousy. That's a subtle tap on the shoulder for me, a reminder that it's time to search out more purpose in my life.

On paper, we’re all hardcore feminists, but it's time to ante up and legitimate those claims in our day to day dealings with one another.

-Do for others, even when you don't feel like it, or don't think you have the time. I've come to realize that being “busy” is a bullshit excuse that lends itself to a feeling of importance. I've used it plenty. But really, it’s just a matter of priorities. We’ve got the time, how do we want to spend it. 

-Ask questions. Really get in there. Border on being nosy. If you've pushed too far, it will be immediately apparent, but there's a good chance you'll open up a dialogue that needed to be spoken. Women need to talk. We need to share, it’s cathartic. It's how we learn about ourselves. Saying words aloud is so much more powerful than just thinking them. Not only does asking pointed questions lend itself to intimate communication, but it sends the message that you care, and you're willing to be there when they do need to talk. 

-If your friend is looking particularly lovely one day, tell her! Every. Damn. Time. Don't hold praise in. It may seem trivial, but no one is immune to the power of flattery. We can ride the wave of an off handed, seemingly minuscule compliment, for weeks or sometimes years to come. I still have little one liners, from decades ago, tucked away in my brain, that bring a smile to my face.

-If a friend or acquaintance has pulled off something that you know was a challenge, bask in their glory with them! Celebrate them, and use it as inspiration for yourself, instead of as a means for self judgment.

-Chances are, your peers have more insight than you think they do. Don't be obtuse and believe that you're the end all, be all for every obstacle in your life. Ask for help, ask for guidance, ask to talk. Humans want to feel useful. It bonds us to one another. We’re losing our sense of community in this digital world full of cyber friends. Work on cultivating your tribe and becoming part of other’s tribes. The seeds you plant will grow into trees with roots that bind and commingle in ways that hold firm in the strongest of storms.

-Angi

SHOULD-ING AND SHEDD-ING: THE STRUGGLE OF PRIORITIZING YOURSELF WHILE PARENTING.

My inner monologue seems to be in conflict with itself tonight. I’ve tackled the bare minimum in the kitchen after tucking the kids into bed. Now a voice urges me on: ‘Make a list’ it says one moment, followed by, ‘You’ve done enough, go watch a movie and fall asleep on yourself’ and then there’s ‘You never found Ozlynn’s shoes for the recital tomorrow, and you committed to bringing a savory item, and you'd better get up at 5 A.M. tomorrow so you can do all the things!’ Those aren’t the words that are controlling my actions though, because what I NEED to do, right now, is write. I don’t “need” to change the filter on the turtle’s cage at 11:30 at night. I mean, I did anyway, and it’s done now, but not because I am some ambivalent animal-tender, more so because the gurgling noise interrupts my nightly routine of mentally noting my failed goals. And if I can cross the gurgling noise off of the list (that I should be making), at least that’s one small victory and one less detail that might keep me from falling back to sleep. Gah! After all that, it’s clear that I did “need” to change the turtle filter. Good choices. But screw the list, and I mean it this time. I really just want to write. I want to remove the rambling symbols rolling around in my mind and allow my fingers tips to release each one as I punch them onto the screen. Nah, I’ll just keep ‘should-ing’ myself instead: I should wrap it up and go to bed. Or I should finish that whiskey that I poured myself, knowing full well that I wouldn’t drink all of it, take a jacket and the dog and go spy that caramel-colored moon, waning through the silhouette of trees in the back yard. I should sit in the dark and imagine this last month, and all the things (literal and proverbial) that I am currently shedding. I allow my heart to be weighted down by these things when I should have been letting them go, like a tiny crimson river poured from my fem-cup into the toilet bowl. Whoosh, I flush its startling color away from the stark, white side of the toilet. I’m just going to go to bed, and try to focus on what I know to be true; I am beyond privileged, and blessed. I wake up grumpy, but hopeful, every day. I love this fiasco of raising children and getting old, and learning about myself, and learning about this man that I share a bed with. It’s a beautiful chaos and a stagnant world the day I don’t have moments to overcome and triumph. I could literally make a list of all the shit I need to triumph over right now… Argh! Okay, okay! Morning To-Do list:

-Kids must shower.

-Go to store.

-Make a cracker and cheese spread.

-Find Ozlynn’s fucking shoes.

-Put the laundry in the dryer.

-Support Haven as she fulfills her agreement to play ‘Part of Your World’ on the piano nine more times before the recital.

-Do the girls' hair.

-Oh shit, do I have time to put on mascara?

-Don’t forget all four of the kids' sheet music.

-Try not to get in a fight with John while doing all the things.

-Be nice to in-laws when they meander up stairs to chat as I’m only one shoe deep and realizing that I forgot to put on a panty liner.

-Make it to the recital, and smile at people.

-Emily

MARRIAGE ISN'T FAIR, AND IT SHOULDN'T BE.

Marriage isn't fair, and it shouldn't be. Say what? 

After kids enter the picture, the marital relationship undergoes a natural and substantial shift. Mom is good at some stuff. Dad is good at some stuff, but those stuffs are usually different. 

Sometimes Mom's strengths are required more than Dad's, like when there's a newborn in the house. It's just par for the course that your husband is kinda out of the loop, for several months, especially if you're nursing. Not to say that my husband didn't clock a lot of hours rocking and singing colicky babies to sleep, but I did the heavy lifting during the first year of all three kid's lives. I had the uterus and the boobs. My fate was sealed.

Even still, there was resentment. I knew on a rational level that none of this was my husband's fault (or was it?), but watching him lost in peaceful slumber, on the other side of the bed, while a baby slept on my face, got to me. Curse words were mumbled in his direction from time to time, or maybe every time.

There are plenty of moments when his strengths out shadow mine, like in Every. Single. Emergency. I'm howling on the side line, and he's the force of calm, cool, and collected. Or, when the babes are sick, he's the one on graveyard shift, sleeping on their bedroom floors, administering medicine, and taking temperatures all night long, because I'm a useless lump after 7:30 p.m. He's also the voice of reason when I'm too indulgent with the kids or have gotten into the habit of lazy discipline, because I've taken leave to my mental happy place and have lost awareness of the children playing with swords in the corner. He gives me subtle nudges when I'm overexplaining, or showing the kids real life brain surgeries on YouTube. Yeah, that happened last week. Regrettable.

There will be seasons when one person is doing more, because their strengths are required. Not to say that the partner should straight up bow out, but it's just not their time to shine. Acknowledging and honoring one another's strong suits, while viewing the inequity as natural, can help to allay resentment. We've taken on these rolls in our households because we're good at them. Part of being a mom means multitasking and storing mass quantities of small bits of information, pertaining to each child's life. Most dad's can remember every line from every movie made in the 80's, but birthdays elude them. Your kid has to go to somebody to watch The Goonies with. That's a skill set in and of itself. 

The best thing we can do for one another is to show appreciation, all the time, even when you just want to linger in a lil' bit of bitter. If you're anything like me, appreciation means just as much, if not more than a helping hand. When I know I'm handling something, and handling it well, I'm fine with my husband stepping off. But, I still want to be acknowledged. Over the years, I've come to notice that gratitude is most scarce when I'm not practicing what I preach. It's easy to lose cognizance of  what your partner is up to around the house when you're sulking about a lack of recognition. 

Praise well and praise often, because you get what you give. I'm learning that if I want my husband to shift his behavior, I first need to mend my own. It takes humility to pull it off, and some tongue biting, but it's got about a hundred percent success rate. Appreciation is cyclical. So, maybe tomorrow morning you should make him a couple eggs and some coffee, or throw a love note his way. You never know, you might come home to folded laundry.

-Angi

THEY SAY IT TAKES A VILLAGE, BUT WHO REALLY BELONGS IN YOURS?

They say it takes a village. Never has that been truer than in the past four months as I’ve recovered from back-to-back reconstructive surgeries on my feet. The bones in my feet are literally being held together by four very long pins, a metal plate and two screws, and I am not allowed to walk. Or drive. Or really do much of anything. Talk about being totally dependent on someone else. Talk about taking me out of my comfort zone.

I spoke in a previous blog post about asking for help. I gained a lot from that experience, far more than just the acts of service I requested. I developed a deeper appreciation for generous hearts of many, a new perspective of what I value in my friendships, and a greater understanding of what it means to serve others in a community.

I found my village.

As I asked around, I realized there are always those will tell you a million times over that they want to help, but they really don’t. I think they like to say the words out loud as an affirmation that they are good, charitable people. I don’t doubt that they have good intentions. Maybe they aren’t ready to be a part of a village, or maybe they belong to a different village.

But for each of those people, there were ten more who astonished me with their generosity. Not all of them liked to help in the same way, nor did they always know what type of help I needed. It was up to me to ask, be specific and sometimes ask again. Some preferred playing chauffeur, while others couldn’t be near but offered emotional support and helped me work through the logistics of what I needed. Some gave gift cards while others wanted to bring the Martha Stewart meal in a gift basket with fancily-labeled dishes and homemade pie. Some watched my kids while I rested and iced my foot. One even wanted to clean my toilets. Not one of them served a more important job than any other. I needed them, every single one of them. Not only did they make my life easier, they all brought me joy and filled my heart with thanksgiving.

Yes, they do exist, these amazing people with the heart of a servant who will give graciously and ask nothing in return. They are clued into something I believe is so critical to human nature and yet is sadly dissipating from our busy, modern lives. When you give of yourself, when you become a part of someone’s village, you transform your life.

These are the people I want affecting me on a daily basis. I want to be inspired by their beautiful souls, feel invigorated by their sharp minds and safe in their loving presence. I want to grow with them. They are the food that nourishes my soul.

I’ve done some spring cleaning of my village and evaluated with whom I want to invest my time and emotional energy. It’s not to say I would turn down an opportunity to serve someone outside my village, whether an acquaintance or a complete stranger. I will always strive to have the heart of a servant. But as for cultivating relationships, I will save that opportunity for those who give my life sustenance. It is my hope that I can reciprocate.

I encourage all of you to do your own evaluation. Ask yourself who you want in your village.

Do you want the narcissist who sucks the life out of you? What about that stagnant friend from your past? The one-dimensional person who speaks of little more than dirt and air? Or, do you want someone who will help you, share with you, challenge you, lift you up and enrich your life?

-Suzy